Jokes from Stand-up comedians

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

My sister's a personal trainer. That's a tough job. I don't think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. 'Can you help me define my abs?' 'Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.'

You can't go from my level of activity into a marathon. Maybe a good start for me is not taking the car to get the mail.

I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.